What is Too Much Information?

Trying to gain an understanding and acceptance of how I think about the world

The words and phrases in this word cloud are all things I’ve had directed at me from friends, family members, or strangers. The word cloud is also the best way I can describe how my racing and cyclical thoughts feel in my head when I’m in a dark place. Some terms bother me more than others; some I have learned to actively embrace. The only way to stop these thoughts is to release them, creatively or otherwise.

When I lose all motivations toward creative outlets, I try to talk to the people I’m close with, or those that I want to be closer with. When that fails, I talk at anyone who will listen. When no one wants to listen anymore, or when I’ve decided I’m too much of a burden on individuals, I tend isolate myself and take to the internet. It’s not the healthiest of cycles; I’m trying, albeit slowly, to get myself back into healthy outlets of self expression. This is one of them, I think.

I also have a hard time in general unpacking my negative thoughts with others. When I leave what I interpret as an honest and open conversation, I usually come away feeling good about it. However, others sometimes seem to interpret my honest thoughts as hostile or insulting. The emotional vulnerability that makes me feel more comfortable with people, makes people uncomfortable with me. I either shout louder or retreat further in response to others’ discomfort. Neither works well.

It is frustrating and exhausting to work so hard at being eloquent, only for words to be misinterpreted in the end. How long, how thorough, does a statement need to be to get meaning across, when there is no language barrier between two individuals? How many large words are needed? How many small words, acronyms, initial-isms, abbreviations, memes, songs, or videos must be shared to get a clear message through?

What is eloquence, anyways? My best friend recently pointed out that, over the time we’ve lived apart, I picked up the habit of heavily censoring/altering myself based on who I’m around. I’m not sure how to feel about this at the moment. I think everyone does this, to a degree; you don’t speak to your grandma or your employer the same way you’d speak to a close friend or lover. I, however, was focusing so hard on everyone else’s comfort around me, that I was tolerating behaviors and treatment from others that was cruel or hurtful, and I wasn’t speaking out about it to anyone. I had almost completely dismantled my own personal boundaries while simultaneously walking on eggshells to respect others.

“A friend to all is a friend to none.”

Aristotle

I’m trying to find a balance between respecting others’ boundaries while standing firm with my own, and it’s been tough. My perceived ‘sudden switch’ from letting people treat me however they wanted to standing up for myself again wasn’t taken well by everyone. I’ve lost some friends recently that I had previously held very dear to my heart. I’ve also come to the realization that I can only discuss certain topics with certain friends or family members without someone getting offended or hurt.

Another issue with communication for me is, I’m a mess of contradictions; I want people to take what I say as my literal intent/meaning, but sometimes I’m making a joke and I want that to be understood as such too. On the other hand, I can also read too far into a situation, just as anyone else can, and other people’s jokes can go right over my head as well. I have a habit of often seeing the best in other people but only the worst in myself, and lately I’ve been so self involved in my own depression and grief that I have trouble actively hearing and comprehending what others are trying to say to me. (This also doesn’t help with school.) Finally, when someone eventually pisses me off to a large enough extent that I finally snap, I tend to villainize them in my mind.

In the past, I’ve been led to believe that the desire to be understood is a negative thing, or should at least have a lesser level of import to understanding others, when I’ve always felt they should have an equal importance. All I really want, at the core of my being, is to be understood, and to understand others as well.